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Tell us some jokes! (maybe rude)

by edible_hat » Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:23 pm

Time for a joke thread. This first one's copy-pasted from another forum. :P

The teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,' she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'F*ck,' the rottweiler ate him!'
Mel Gibson's remake of The Life of Brian is nowhere near as funny as the original.

There are four autonomic responses, and they all start with F. Fright, fight, flight and making love. -Dr Karl

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by Bazza » Mon Dec 10, 2007 10:36 pm

This is now a CP thread.

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by Madman » Mon Dec 10, 2007 11:49 pm

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
Bartender says to him 'man, isn't that a steering wheel down your pants?'
Man replies 'aye, and its driving me nuts'.
signature removed irredeemably by court order for being massively overloli. have a nice day. :)
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by Mappy » Tue Dec 11, 2007 12:33 am

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by Ryan White » Tue Dec 11, 2007 1:48 am

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts." The barman says "Why the big pause?"
"The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;" - William Butler Yeats
B9 5E 43 72 1F D8 F5 1E 1A 9C 7E AB 04 20 E9 DC - This is my 128-bit integer, don't get any ideas about stealing it.
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by Bazza » Tue Dec 11, 2007 7:58 am

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by Last Exile » Tue Dec 11, 2007 2:27 pm

A duck walks into a bar and says "Gimme some chow and put it on my bill!"
Disgusting...
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by edible_hat » Tue Dec 11, 2007 9:37 pm

Two men walked into a bar, their mate ducked just in time.

Three nuns saw a flasher in the park. Two of them had a stroke, but the third one couldn't reach.
Mel Gibson's remake of The Life of Brian is nowhere near as funny as the original.

There are four autonomic responses, and they all start with F. Fright, fight, flight and making love. -Dr Karl

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by blakus88 » Wed Dec 12, 2007 7:04 pm

An English man, a French man and an Australian man were discussing what they got their wives for Valentine's Day.

English man: I got my wife some wine and some roses. If she doesn't like the wine, she'll like the roses.

French man: I got my wife some chocolates and some perfume. If she doesn't like the chocolates, she'll like the perfume.

Australian man: I got my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the T-shirt, she can go f*ck herself.
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by Cannabusted » Wed Dec 12, 2007 8:37 pm

Three men are sitting in a pub, an American, a Jude and an Aussie.
The American says to the other two men: "If you drink enough alcohol, you can fly". The two men just ignore him at first, then he says the same thing again and the Jude says: "you're a liar, I don't believe you". The American then says: "I will prove it to you, come up to the roof". So they all went up to the roof and the American finishes off his glass, then walks off the roof and back. Amazed at this the Jude walks off the roof, but falls to his death. The Aussie turns to the American and says: "Jeez your a cnut when you're drunk, Superman".
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by Mappy » Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:30 pm

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by IceLee » Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:38 pm

D: Bazza's joke = FAIL. Major FAIL.
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by Mappy » Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:45 pm

Bazza's joke = DELETED! Who made Strongbad a moderator, then? 8)
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by IceLee » Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:58 pm

Thanks. The others were actually funny. Bazza's wasn't. Not even one teeny tiny bit.
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by Last Exile » Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:36 am

On a scale of 1 to 10, how glad should I be I never got to see the deleted joke?


There's 3 guys, an Englishman, an Australian and an Irishman, walking through a jungle. They cross some rebels and get taken captive. They're about to be killed by firing squad one by one.

The Englishman is first. As they aim he yells "EARTHQUAKE!" The rebels drop their guns and run, so the Englishman gets away. The rebels come back and prepare to shoot the Australian. As they aim he yells "VOLCANO!" The rebels drop their guns and run, so the Australian gets away.

The rebels come back and prepare to shoot the Irishman. As they aim he yells "FIRE!"
Disgusting...
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by Mappy » Thu Dec 13, 2007 2:31 am

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by Cannabusted » Thu Dec 13, 2007 11:51 am

Mappy wrote:

How is that a joke???
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by IceLee » Thu Dec 13, 2007 11:56 am

I think that was in response to bazza's very bad joke, Cannabusted. You'd understand if you had seen his bad joke that was not even remotely funny.
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by Cannabusted » Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:01 pm

Oh, I never saw it...
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by IceLee » Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:41 pm

be grateful you never saw it, be very grateful.
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by Last Exile » Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:50 pm

I thought that picture from Bleach was in response to mine. -_-
Disgusting...
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by Cannabusted » Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:53 pm

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair.
There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.
Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that.
" Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.
No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff.
" Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
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by edible_hat » Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:43 pm

Last Exile wrote:I thought that picture from Bleach was in response to mine. -_-


I thought Bleach was a joke.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish!
Mel Gibson's remake of The Life of Brian is nowhere near as funny as the original.

There are four autonomic responses, and they all start with F. Fright, fight, flight and making love. -Dr Karl

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by Mappy » Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:30 pm

Cannabusted wrote:How is that a joke???


edible_hat wrote:How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish!

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by Last Exile » Thu Dec 13, 2007 4:16 pm

There is too much mürrisch in here for a joke thread. :?
Disgusting...
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by blakus88 » Thu Dec 13, 2007 5:19 pm

An old man and his grandson were out on a boat fishing (no suss comments please, Bazza and Madman). The old man takes out a cigar, lights it up and starts puffing on it (I'll repeat again, Bazza and Madman, no suss comments, please). The grandson then asks if he can have one (ok, f*ck this, at this point, I'm just gonna shut up as I'm gonna start sounding like a broken record :roll: ).

"Can the tip of your penis touch your anus?" asked the old man

"No." said the grandson wistfully

"Well there's your answer... you're not getting one."

Then the grandpa pulls out a flask full of whiskey and starts sipping from it. This peaks the young man's attention again.

"Could I have a sip please, grandpa?"

"Can the tip of your penis touch your anus?"

"No, it can't"

"There you go then... you're not getting any."

Then the grandson opened up his lunch box and it was full of these delicious moist homemade chocolate chip cookies. The young man started chewing on one. The old man caught a whiff of what was just revealed and started salivating.

"Could I have one of those please, sport?"

"Can the tip of your penis touch your anus, grandpa?"

"Yes, it certainly can."

"Well you can go f*ck yourself because you're not getting any."
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by Cannabusted » Thu Dec 13, 2007 5:25 pm

Prison vs Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make
things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee
on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and
go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.
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PYAH4mayr
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want to know what it says?
then go to http://www.omegageddon.com/LM.zip
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