Re: Satoshi Kon....
Transcript of something he wrote a few days before death.
"May 18 of this year, an unforgettable day.
My wife and I received the following prognosis from a cardiologist at the Musashino Red Cross Hospital:
"The pancreatic cancer is terminal and has metastasized to the bone. You have at most a half year left."
It was so sudden and such an unfair fate that we two alone could not cope with. (“could not parry”)
Even though, I usually deep inside myself did think: “No matter when you die, it can't be helped”, this was just too sudden.
Certainly, there may have been symptoms. Since 2 – 3 months, I had been feeling pain on my back and my knees etc. I became unable to put any strength into my right knee, got problems walking and even by going to acupuncture and chiropractics it didn't get better.
And then the result of doing MRI and PET-CT is this sudden declaration of how much time I got left.
It was like death was already just behind my back, and I couldn't do anything about it.
After the diagnosis, my wife and I searched for a way to survive. Desperately.
I received the support of reliable friends and extremely strong persons. I refused the cancer medication and tried to survive by believing in a world-view that differs slightly from that of the rest of society.
I felt that rejecting “the norm” was fitting for me. Anyway, I had never had a place among the majority, I thought. It was the same for medical treatment. I thought this and that about what kind of intrigues might be hidden behind the scenes of today's leading contemporary medicine. (??)
“I'm going to survive with the world-view I chose!”
However. Just like with the creation of a movie/work of art, I couldn't change things only with my willpower. The symptoms did keep getting worse day by day.
On the other hand, even I, as a member of society, have accepted about half of the world-view of the norm. I'm properly paying my taxes after all. Far from outstanding but without a doubt I am a full member of Japanese society. That's why, separately from my private world-view I chose to survive, I feel that I have done the necessary “preparations in order to be able to die properly”. Even though, I didn't do them properly at all.
The first was, by receiving the cooperation of two trustworthy friends, creating a firm to manage the copyrights of Satoshi Kon, ephemeral as they may be, and so on.
The other one was to write down my last will, in order for my wife to inherit my fortune, even though it is not much, without a problem. Of course, it's not like there would have been any conflict over the inheritance. I just wanted to take away at least one of the worries of my wife, who was going to stay behind in this world and that would calm down myself, who was about to leave.
We were helped out by a friend, who amazingly managed to swiftly deal with my wife's and my terrible administrative work and the preparations etc.
Afterwards, when I put the final signature on the testament while being half in a comatose state because of life-threatening pneumonia, I even thought exhaustedly “now I can finally die”.
After all, I had been brought by ambulance to the hospital two days in a row. I was hospitalized and examined thoroughly. The result: complication with pneumonia and a considerable pleural effusion.
When I asked the doctor directly, his answer was extremely matter-of-fact, which in a way I am grateful for.
“Wait … one day or two days … and even if you can overcome that, probably it'll be over this month.”
While listening I thought “I'd like to see the weather forecast”, but the situation was very stressful.
It was the 7th of July. A quite cruel Tanabata.
And then, I decided right away: “I want to die at home.”
It might become a last big disturbance to the people around me, but somehow they found a way to bring me home.
The efforts of my wife, the cooperation of the hospital, which while being kind of an attitude of “already gave up” actually did really help, the enormous support of a private clinic, and finally lots and lots of coincidences, that I cannot consider anything else than gifts of the heavens.
I couldn't believe that coincidences and inevitableness being connected to each other without interruption so perfectly could exist in reality. I mean, this is not Tokyo Godfathers after all."
While my wife was running around making plans, I turned to the doctor saying, “even if it's only one day, or even half a day, at home there are still things I can do!”.
After that, I was left to wait for death, alone in a dreary/dark sick room.
I was lonely, but what I thought was: “Maybe dying isn't all that bad.”
There wasn't any particular reason, maybe I wouldn't have been able to take it otherwise, but I was so calm, it surprised me myself.
Only one thing I really did dislike: “I just don't want to die in this place.” Looking around, suddenly something started to move out of the calendar on the wall and spread across the room. “Oh man … a parade from a calendar? My hallucinations aren't even one bit individual.”
I felt amused by the fact that even in a time like this my “professional consciousness” was working, but actually that might have been the moment I was the closest to death. I really did feel death next to me.
While I was enclosed between the world of death and my sheets, thanks to the efforts of many people, I was miraculously able to leave the hospital, and to reach my home.
Even dying is exhausting.
To be clear, I am not criticizing the hospital, please do not misunderstand.
I just wanted to go home. Home to the house I'm living in.